Last post.

This is the last post. Blogging has lost its luster for me, though I will still be a participant in the blogging world. I just won't be an active participant.

That said, I'd like to close this blog with an account of the best day ever! Which happened to be today. In order for you to understand the complete wonderfulness of this day, I have to tell you a story about Boy With Name. Boy With Name was in my ward last semester (at the FLSR), and he had a rather large crush on me at the time. I was not completely unaware of the fact, but I was too busy having an emotional breakdown and fending off other guys at the time to do anything about it. At the beginning of this year, I saw Boy With Name and a friend of mine from the German house at the HFAC. I ran towards them in my typical excited fashion to say hi. Unfortunately, I'd forgotten my friend's name, so after we'd gotten that figured out I turned to him.
"Hi, where do I know you from?"
He gives me a Look. "From the FLSR last year."
"Oh! That's right. How are you?"
He gives me another look. "You don't remeber my name, do you?"
Blush time. Oops, I don't. "Uhhh...well..."
"I liked you! We even went out once!" He turned away and murmered into his shoulder, "Shallow."
Shallow?! That boy just called me shallow! Ugh. I felt so awful. And I still couldn't remember his name. I actually had to look it up on our ward website. After that his name is ingrained into my head, although I still maintain we never went out on a date.

Ok, now back to the best day ever!

8:30 wake up
9:00 Writing Fiction class starts. Not as boring as usual, I get to sit with Kelsey and Matt. We're the dynamic trio.
9:54 I bump into my bishop on campus and we joke about Arizona and academic confrences. It's a relief he likes me--for a while I thought he didn't.
9:55--This is the big one!--Boy With Name comes up and pulls my backpack from behind. He says, "I've been looking for you, can I get your number?" He compliments my on my Curious George tshirt and asks how things are going. I am amazed that he wants to be my friend, and even ask me for my number. This is awesome! I'm forgiven!
10:00 My theater class always starts late, so while waiting I talk to my friend Big Eyes. She tells me one of the people in her scene for Directing dropped out and could I please fill in? Heck yes! I am looking forward to doing some acting.
10:10 My class is studying Bollywood today! They bring in a guest lecturer (much less boring than our usual professor) and she teaches us a dance in one of the Bollywood clips. We dance in the aisles.
11:00 I see my friend Picante, who is directing a show I auditioned for. Callbacks haven't been emailed yet, so I still have a chance.
12:00 Modern dance. It is always awesome.
1:30 I find an unopened granola bar behind one of the chairs after dance. It is my favorite kind.

And now it is three o'clock, and all is well. Nothing else much exciting went on, but yesterday I baked apple pie for the first time! Life...is definetly good.

Oh, and I'm starting a dream blog, since my dreams are epic and really cool.

missing you ( a more personal blog)

"Where you used to be, there is a hole in the world, which I find myself

constantly walking around in the daytime, and falling into at night.

I miss you like hell."

--Edna St. Vincent Millay

I just read Optimistic's post on his breakup, and I must say he's right. My boyfriend of four months, Joseph (and he can never be anything to me but Joseph) has left my life. He does this for personal reasons of his own and I must say I think he's making a good decision. I wouldn't say it was the only decision, or even the best one, but he has decided to stay in Vernal this semester, and I must admit his reasons are good ones. It just hurts. And I know this is kind of lame after only four months, but I'm not apologizing for it. The pain is worse than when I broke up with my boyfriend of ten months.

I have never missed someone like this before. It's odd. I can put him out of my mind, think easily of the task at hand, but there is always a subconcious emptiness. It's as if a pillar of my heart has suddenly vanished, and although everything seems to be staying up all right, it's a precarious balance. And that's when I'm not thinking about it. When I am, like I am now, I must admit it is much more painful. I am having trouble understanding why he left, though I've asked him to explain a hundred times. My brain understands.

It's strange to me, though, when I detatch my head from my emotions, that I could need him so badly. He's so normal. When someone has such a big effect on your heart, you'd expect them to be supernaturally good-lo0king, or talented, or funny. At least I did. But, as my friend K-star says, I guess that's what makes love so special. It is not reservered for the elite, but given freely to everyone.

As for my own private heartache, I guess I just have to live through it. They say these things take time, and, truthfully, I can think of no other cure.

Oh, Canada!

I'm back from Canada and (supposedly) ready for school. Canada was fun. I learned things. It was the first time I've been with my entire family on my mom's side. It was fun to discover my uncle cousin and I all share the same high instep. Still, it was strange.

I'm the only Mormon in my entire family, immediate and extended. I often felt like some sort of specimen. Most of my relitives avoided the subject completely. I don't think any of them even said 'Mormon' once. The only exceptions were my two eldest cousins, both of whom I met for the first time last weekend. One was Flippy, who is gay and forty, and the other, Cowboy, his younger brother by three years. Cowboy and I actually get along stupendously. I wouldn't say we're kindred spirits, but parts of our personalities overlap. He was cool about my mormonism, although I don't think he understood. Flippy spent an entire night harrassing me for my decision, doing a kind of pre-emptive defense.

It was painful to have my own flesh and blood against me. I never once said I was against homosexuals, and I even told him I had several gay friends. It's hard to feel the outsider in the middle of your family. But there were good times too. I spent my birthday over there, and we had a grand ol' time. We (meaning my family, the bride and groom included) went to a traditional Japanese restaurant. We all sat in these tiny little boat-tables and cooked all our own meat and everything. It was awesome. My favorite part was when they sang "Happy Birthday". We had at least twenty people, and I got up on the seat and conducted. By the end the entire restaurant was singing for me. That was a great moment for my attention-loving self. ahh.

So, overall, the trip wan't bad. There was a lot of booze and drunkeness, but there was family togetherness too. I had further insights, but it's too much to cover in one post. At tleast for me.

This post is being written from my dad's laptop, while my kitty licks herself nearby. Yes, I have returned home, to Carlsbad, Ca, in a move that seems to signify pure defeat. After losing my job at the beginning of the summer, I never was seemingly able to procure another. And the concussion stopped me from continuing with my dance classes, so I came here, where there was food and a job waiting for me. As well as a cat. To which I am allergic. It has been nice for te first few days--I've really enjoyed eating food which does not come in sandwich and cereal form. My parents have even been nice to me, seeing as how they can understand a concussion much better than depression. My mom has already decided to blame my little "episode" of last winter on the good conk to my head I received in swing dance. There's a post on it, somewhere.

My psychologist, hereafter named Guider, tells me that I live in my head too much, due to certain childhood incidences which we shall not disclose here. It means that I have problems fully engaging in this life. So, what it boils down to is I just dont want to participate. I have been a great observer all my life, but now I need money, which means I have to enter the real world, and come to terms with the fact that I have a future, and it's up to me to make it a good one. Unfortunately, somehow in my mind this is linked to me finding a job. I copped out of it for now--this job with my dad isn't really a job, I just do stuff for him--but when I go back to school, I'll need something. That scares me. It bothers me that something so normal, so easy, scares me. But I have never done it before. I just don't want to engage. I don't want to be part of the world, I'm not seeing the point. agh. my brain hurts.

poems

now I'm all afraid of people stealing my stuff. But the need to show off won over the fear, so here we go:

Dress
--to my mother

I remember
your old night-time dress
lilies faded across the waist
strong brown arms against your chest
smooth cotton against my face

And though I was small, and though you were big
and nightmares haunted me
your old night-dress was always there
ready to carry me

Now I am older, and you are old
I find the dress where it sits
smaller and faded; I pull it on
and look--it fits.

Here's another one. It reminds me of Shel Silverstein.

Gone Wrong

I've lost my heart, please,
can you tell me where it's gone?
Only it's the center of me
and now everything's gone wrong.

My blood is lost
in the capillaries of my toes
my eyes seem to be stapled
to the back of my frontal lobe.

And now I can't see where
I'm going
I can't remember where
I've gone

I've lost my heart
and now it seems
everything's
gone wrong.

aaaah...concussion

Well, the latest report is in, lads. I have a concussion. No, not from falling off the horse. This is another one. This one I got while during a fancy move in modern that turned out to be fancier than I expected. There's really no way to explain it without helpful visuals, so you'll just have to imagine it. Suffice to say, I somehow ended up completely horixzontal in mid-air, like some kind of magician's assistant. Then gravity took over. Now I get a headache when I turn too quickly or eat cold things. The doctor said this was probably the fourth one I've had (big surprise), but if I get anymore, I'll probably have permanent brain damage. Yay. For now, I take special un-dizzifying pills three times a day and sleep for the rest of it. They cause drowsiness, which I think is the understatement of the year. ah well. If anyone wants to bring me cookies and coo over me in sympathy, I wouldn't have the strength to object...

ok, I'm wondering what the deal is.

I fell off a horse this past weekend. Guess where I landed. YOu got it! My head. I swear, I don't know why this keeps happening to me. Is there some sort of lesson I'm supposed to be learning here? I mean, most Mormons believe that trials are sent to us to teach us something, to let us learn, grow. If we have a repeating set of trials then that is obviously something that is hard for us to overcome. So what am I supposed to overcome here? A straight spine? A low pain threshold? Because with the way things have been going, the last was overcome a while ago, and the first will only take a few more falls to become a permanent part of my past.

In other news, I've started taking a modern dance class, which I love. It also happens to make the rest of my body hurt. Not that I'm complaining in my trials. I am grateful for them. Really, I am. ow. *curses*